I haven’t written a blog, updated my website, or even written for my own pleasure really at all this year. When I was a student, I was force fed material to reflect upon and then regurgitated it back through my own filters and lenses. This is called learning. I loved being a student and still love to learn; but I also realized recently that I’d been missing something. It was impacting how I saw myself and the kind of person I thought I could be. In my work, I am required write a lot. There are treatment plans and progress notes – not to mention the regular outflow of email correspondence. My fingers are busy! I began to feel a level of resentment about this and built a story about it that I’ve recently come to understand. I developed a belief that my clinical writing had supplanted my creative writing. Trust me, writing as a clinician is important. Although no one becomes a therapist for paperwork there have been many times that I have been grateful to be able to access my notes. But progress notes are designed for an audience of one, maybe two – me and the client. I have been missing writing for my self and I have also missed sharing what I write with others. I had decided that writing was no longer for me but for my vocation. I was falling into a state of oblivion, but we will get into that more later.

What I identified in my inability to write is the feeling of a loss of self. Loss of self is often focused on people who are inactive. The person who turns into themselves is often seen as depressed. They may have difficulty getting out of bed or finishing a task. These are signs of implosion. Implosion is when the self collapses inward and is lost. Our culture does not like or encourage this at all. Many times, what our culture portrays as depressed is the caricature of the imploded person. What happens when the opposite happens though? What happens when a person is always doing, always moving, always tasking? This is a different state that is still struggling. It may even be depression acted out in a different way. When we are pulled from our self we disconnect from the very thing that feeds us. The state of always tasking puts the self in a state of oblivion. Oblivion is when a day is so filled with tasks that the self is lost. Instead of collapsing inward the self explodes outward into so many shards it is indistinguishable for the person who has lost it. Oblivion is celebrated in a culture that praises production over personhood.

So maybe before going further it might be worth briefly sharing what I mean when I say ‘self.’ To me, the self is who we are in our most authentic expression. The more we balance between implosion and oblivion the more likely we are to discover our self. When we are in touch with our self we are more able to see others because we are aware of our self-interest. When we are in harmony with our self we are less inclined to lay our problems at the feet of others and more prone to accept what is or work for reconciliation. In either case, there is peace because by being attuned to our self we can be in touch with what we really need and what we can actually give.

I find that much talk about self care addresses people who are in oblivion and permits them to slow down. But just because we occasionally pump the brakes on a runaway train toward the oblivion of the self means that we are actually slowing down. What I wonder more is if both implosion and oblivion are unconscious coping mechanisms to keep us away from our own greatness. Here’s the thing: being attuned to the self is extremely scary. If we admit that who we are is authentic then it means we have to come to grips with the fact that others may not like who we really are. It might mean that we won’t be accepted. It might mean if we are authentic we aren’t good enough. In the most tangible terms – “if I write this blog and no one reads it then can I really cope with that rejection?” When the self longs to show itself the ego quickly finds ways for us to defend ourselves. Ego protects us, but ego keeps us from who we truly are.

Ego protects in implosion by devaluing the self by pointing out all that we cannot do and confirms it by keeping us in bed, keeping us in the house, and keeping us from attempting to grow. On the other hand, ego protects in oblivion by stating what we must do for others, for our employers, partners, family, and church. The very things that could help us connect more deeply to our selves take us out of balance when we value them disproportionately to our selves.

Self care is taking time to explore your authentic greatness. Writing for pleasure is one way I do it. Sometimes it is writing like this that I share, other times it is writing just for me. Self care is likely different for others. Whatever it is, the practice of it is coming into alignment with our authentic self. Another example of my self care is to make breakfast on Saturday and then clean the kitchen. It is something that is done methodically and keeps me focused on a sensory experience followed by doing something that maintains the household. It brings me back to parts of my self that I miss during my work week. During the week I so often rush out in the morning and do the minimum to maintain the kitchen, my Saturday routine brings me back into an alignment that I recognize and practice. In current culture self care is also equated to spa days and other leisure activities and these are all great if they bring alignment. On the other hand, if taking time for self-care creates guilt then it might not be self care. Self care is an extension of the value we place on ourselves to be more than what we produce. Therefore, an essential step to self care is being in the practice of thinking of yourself as more than an object required to get things done. Instead you are a being in the world who is able to do many things and some of these things include rest. For the person inclined toward oblivion rest is the slowing down to hear myself. It is reminding myself that I am more than what I do.

Abraham Maslow hypothesized about a “Jonah concept” this is the assertion that humans are capable of greatness but are inclined to run from it. In the biblical narrative God invites Jonah to greatness and Jonah responds by running in the opposite direction. In our human narrative, we tend to run toward implosion or oblivion. Self care is when we shamelessly and authentically run toward who we truly are. Maslow suggests that we reach states of alignment with the self or ‘self-actualization’ when we’ve freed ourselves ‘historical hang ups from childhood.’ When mom and dad no longer have a grasp on what we ought to be we are free to be what we are. When we stop making excuses based on the perceived needs of others to also care for our own interests then we move toward greatness. I believe within this greatness we are also more authentically equipped to love and serve others.

When I originally started thinking about the topic of self care I thought about it in my own life and what I wasn’t doing to pursue my greatness. I individualized the problem. The more I thought about it, as this reflection developed, the more I realized that there are systemic issues that impede the human species pursuit of alignment with the self. I think of why I individualize the pursuit of self and realize that it is part of my vocation and culture. In my vocation I most often see individuals or small systems (couples or families) and work from a micro level. It would be irresponsible for me to end this reflection here and not acknowledge issues in our cultural macrosystem that keep people from their self. And yet, from my own culture, early in my adult life I read Thoreau’s Walden. I identified that Thoreau’s pursuit of self and simplicity was taken into his own hands – though many people don’t enjoy this luxury. So as much as I am writing about states of implosion and oblivion and the need for the self to be addressed on an individual level, I need to also affirm that culturally we have built systems that keep humans in these states. Let me give examples. Implosion can come from lack of access to education, jobs (even entry-level and low skill jobs), and food. I have heard people tell me that the need to lay low and wait for their next food box, literally conserving calories to survive. I have worked with people who have a deep desire to be employed get passed over for interview. These people are in a system that continues to push them toward implosion, sucking away their feeling of value and self-worth. On the other hand, there are people compelled into oblivion by the combination of economic need and external search for validation. Our value for consumerism often compels us to purchase more than we need and blurs the line between luxury and necessity. People are free to spend their money as they will, but the compulsive cycle of earning to chase an external state of peace can put people in a state of oblivion. What can be worse, is the position of people barely earning enough to survive but also feeling hard pressed to build or develop skills to advance. In many ways, these people can feel states of implosion and oblivion all in the same day. I believe that our species has developed systems to keep us from our selves. These systems serve fear and scarcity. It is countercultural to acknowledge that the pursuit of our self-actualization and alignment of the self is frowned upon from the constructs in which we frame our lives.

Thoreau stated that “the mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.” In a time preceding modern psychology he was observing the way culture inevitably separates humans from their selves. His answer was to go into the woods. He heavily invested in his self care through deep introspection and separation from culture. In our modern, technology-saturated, age the ability to step away seems to be swelling into the self care movement. What I think is important isn’t to view self care in the way of escaping society and obligation. Instead, self care is intentionally coming into alignment, even if it is a small daily task. It is not surrendering to implosion or oblivion but valuing and developing the fullness of the self.